


Smile, Bitch

by HansBlanke



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Betaed, Desert Bluffs, Gen, I'm only through fifty episodes or so, News Media, POV Kevin, Strexcorp, Typical Desert Bluffs Violence, Typical Night Vale Weirdness, Unreliable Narrator, possible canon divergence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-05
Updated: 2019-12-10
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:47:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21683965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HansBlanke/pseuds/HansBlanke
Summary: Random Desert Bluffs Community Radio episodes straight out of my head.
Kudos: 15





	1. Radiation

**Author's Note:**

> The episode's weather: Ivory Tower by Blackmore's Night.

The early bird gets the worm. The earliest bird gets a full nutritious breakfast and a glass of milk. Calcium is good for your bones, birdies.

Welcome to Desert Bluffs.

First of all, I'd like to direct my words and thoughts to those who spend this lovely evening in the driver's seat, for one reason or another. No need to say why you're still out; I understand you completely! Maybe even better than you understand yourselves, heh. So, I think that now is a great moment to call your loved ones and tell them you're coming home, or at least that you're safe and sound, even if that's somewhat of an exaggeration. They'd be pleased to know you keep them in your thoughts and can still talk. That's important for them to know, no matter if you are on the run or are going to be swallowed by the giant sandworms within the next five minutes.

Oh, and _please_ mind the public security, will you? Always make sure to use hand-free headsets during your calls so that you have full control of your vehicle. You know the rules: it's better to eat your phone than let anyone catch you using it the usual way! Because if they do, you will have to do that anyway. Save them the trouble of persuading you to. Besides, doing it willingly will hurt less.

Probably.

Now, let me tell you something very important. Cats and dogs can cause allergies, birds are untidy, rodents have very short lives. But do you know what kind of pet has none of these drawbacks—and, in fact, no drawbacks at all?

StrexPet.

It's _something_ , and I feel obliged to tell you all about it. It's one of the latest projects, but I've already gotten my hands on one. On one—but I've made _two_ friends! My new pet would follow me anywhere, purr for me; she even bit me to show her fondness. I mean, what's a couple of phalanges? But then—oh, I'm so excited to be able to tell you! Then I thought that a perfect pet needed a name, preferably of matching perfectness. But as I tried calling her Carlene—something off the top of my head—someone was on my phone and told me her name was actually Lauren! Can you believe it? Not only is StrexPet a good, Strex-approved friend, but your supervisors can see you through its eyes as well, and hear you through its ears! Oh. My. God. 

I apologised for my mistake, and then Lauren and I talked a bit. And here's something new for you, listeners: she agreed to come to our radio station one day and tell you more about StrexPets! I'm sure that after she does, all of you will get yourselves one. Ahh, such anticipation. I love that feeling.

I also love fun facts. And so do you, don't you?

_Don't you?_

**_Good._ **

So, how about this one? 

"People who warn you that still waters run deep would nevertheless prefer to be thrown into a still, deep pond and not into a raging, muddy stream that wouldn't let any hypocrite judge its qualities by its looks."

Think about it.

Oh, and here comes my favourite part! I've been looking forward to talking about it. I'm so _happy._

Do you like to travel? How do you feel about visiting distant places (and no, I don't mean just using the main street's trams)? Our sister city is opening another tourist season, and it means you all are invited.

Of course, it would be irresponsible to ask you all to take a leave and go visit it. Someone has to work, after all. But here's something for you to consider—and for our young listeners to take very seriously. Desert Bluffs' middle school and high school, and also both of our colleges, are offering their students the opportunity to take part in a contest—and one of the best prizes is a free, two-week trip to our sister city! Further information can be found on the institutions' home pages, in dustbins all across the city, and probably on your pet squid's eyelids. 

Contests are a two-sided thing. Someone wins, but someone also loses; that's the order of things. It just wouldn't be the same if all the prizes were known, or if everyone were to win, or if some participants weren't randomly sacrificed to our god years after the actual thing was over. But don't you worry. If you don't win, or if you're still too young for middle school, here's a promise: more children will be chosen. Brush up on your Survival and Self Defence: those who excel at these subjects have all the chances of going for the trip _and_ returning! Survival skills are as important over there as they are here. Make the city proud, kids.

Some of you will also be allowed to go based on random, irreversible luck, just the kind that life brings to you sometimes, even without you realising or asking for it. No need to hide away and sharpen your teeth. We'll still be able to find you.

Oh, what a lovely place. I've had pen pals from there—visited a couple of times, too—and I just wasn't the same person ever again! But, of course, I did everything in my power to bring my better parts back to you, dear listeners. I've been thinking of a motto that would attract more tourists there. How about this one?

_Pripyat. Radiating with joy._

If you have other ideas, send them in! Those who submit the best ones will be dealt with accordingly.

I'm afraid that now is the time to bring your spirits from the charming place of moderate continental climate back to your heads and homes. To do that as gently as I can, I'm taking you to the weather!

***

I feel refreshed already!

Actually, I was expecting our scientists to have reported something very interesting by now. They didn't—hopefully just because their experiment is taking more time than expected! 

What do we have left for the evening, then? Among other things, a lot of stars. When all the lights go out, as they should during an bombing drill, the sky is as clear as on the Universe's birthday.

Look out. You’re allowed to peek out through the blinds, I promise you. All is so quiet. Do you feel the stars looking right at you? Remember that feeling.

You've worked hard, and proven you can't be caught off guard in your free time, not today. You'll be allowed to sleep soon.

The sand is cooling down, bringing some rest to nature as well. 

Stay tuned for the barely audible rustling of the gentle wind in the branches of your favourite tree. And—until next time, Desert Bluffs. Until next time.


	2. Water

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The episode's weather is Buried in Water by Dead Man's Bones.  
> Content warning: torture.

Water has a memory. It's been here since the beginning of our planet. You consist of seventy percent water yourself. It knows. It remembers. It knows what you did last summer. Don't worry, it hasn't told anyone yet.

Welcome to Desert Bluffs.

It's been such a hot day! I don't want to sound ungrateful for the blessed heat we're getting, but as the never-setting evening sun seems more and more like the never-setting night sun, all I can think of is water.

Girls and boys and everyone else, do you know how old Desert Bluffs is? Very, very old. Its history dates back to more than two hundred seventy years ago—you tell me the exact number! By the time it celebrates its three hundredth birthday, most of us will still be alive—let's hope we'll be allowed to celebrate with it! 

Most of our researchers and collectors of city legends agree that the reason why people even settled here was water. I mean, apart from all the usual things that should coincide, like some rogues seeking a new place to live after they were tarred and feathered and driven out of their old one, and ruins of an abandoned city buried in the sand, and a couple of time travels to either ensure or prevent something grand about to happen, there must have been an oasis in the area! I wonder where it used to be—there have been so many changes over the years, especially after we were introduced to StrexCorp.

Marlene? Would you be so kind as to run off to our local archive and look up some early maps to see if we can still locate that oasis? Cool! Thank you! No, I don't need anything else—except that maybe you could spray me a little. It might make me grow better, haha! 

To think that such a short time ago, there was nothing like our little community! No tidy streets with effective advertisements, no offices with effective workers, not even a radio station! Just a lot of sand and a handful of wildlife. Speaking of which, I think I saw a baby fox sleeping on my porch this morning, but it was gone before I could let my pet out to have a closer—

_(Kevin's speech is interrupted by the sounds of the booth door opening and something being poured.)_

Errr...

_(A long confused noise Kevin makes is becoming more of a helpless whine.)_

_(Marlene.)_ Better? I boiled it just before you asked for water!

 _(Kevin, wheezing a little.)_ Oh. I hope you didn't go to too much trouble just because of me. I assure you, it would be _quite_ enough—

_(He's hissing through gritted teeth by now.)_

—to get some _cold_ water from the tap!

 _(Marlene, cheerfully.)_ Oh, it's nothing, don't even mention that. Alright, off I go!

 _(The booth door closes again. A long, well-muffled, and_ very _pained squeal follows. After no fewer than twenty seconds, Kevin draws a ragged breath.)_

More or less everything in this world...is more or less relative. And compared to _this,_ any temperature I've ever experienced would be on the colder end of the scale. I mean, you can't possibly feel hot after that? The goal is—achieved?

_(His voice is very uncertain.)_

Marlene, you're a natural.

_Ouch._

I would like to change the subject now, while research is being done and no one is suffering from heat anymore—I mean, you won't hear _me_ complaining, and as for the others, well. Have you seen anyone suffering? Have you heard anyone, or _of_ anyone, complaining? If yes, you know what you have to do.

What I'm trying to say, maybe not very effectively but in my best intriguing manner, is that there are some hellos for me to read out! 

_(Kevin's voice has almost returned to normal by now.)_

Shall we?

To Sarah and Lawrence Lavine, out on the edge of the town development: hello from your niece in the StrexCorp training center! She hopes to get her helicopter piloting licence by the end of the month and misses your cherry pies more than anything on the continent. She says she's using radio to deliver the message because, and I quote, “The post office has been gone for three weeks now.”

To the—oh, that's something familiar. To the Nandong family who received that hilarious ransom note last week: there's a correction that came in today. The kidnappers of your son have changed their minds, and instead of demanding all those silly dollars (dollars in a community where everyone is paid in scrips, _I'm begging you!_ ) they suggest _they_ pay you for the inconvenience if you just agree to have the little brat back. Ah, those practical jokes! Sometimes I wish I could go to school again.

To Murtaugh—I do hope I pronounce the name correctly: Liz is waiting for you at three-three-one. Personally, I think you'll have to take her word for that; I have no earthly idea what kind of address that is!

(This one actually wasn't submitted to us, not directly. One of our satellites intercepted the signal on a frequency described to me as "impossible." I decided to pass it on nevertheless, out of the goodness of my heart prosthesis!)

And finally, hello from our foreign intelligence squad! I can't give you any names, of course, nor do I have them myself, but if your brother is spending his long-awaited vacation on the Kerguelen Islands or if your cousin hasn't dropped you a line of that Eskimos poetry they're collecting in weeks, then you're probably the target audience of this message. 

Now, it's time for a quick ad. There are white stripes, and black stripes, too, and one is followed by the other. If you feel like they're out of balance, try using the microwave oven.

ChocoPie. So many stripes.

Oh, this just in: Marlene's texting me that comparing old maps to what our town looks like now makes her think that the oasis used to be right where... Just a sec... Oh, yes, right where the biggest construction of the year is taking place! I've been receiving questions over the past few weeks—you're all curious about that place, aren't you, listeners? Now that I'm allowed to, I'm happy to answer those questions!

You've probably heard about the great rebuilding of one of Desert Bluffs' central districts. The original plan was to build a zoo, a sports complex, and so on and so on, but the budget was sadly not enough to allow all of that. We carefully weighed all the options, calculated a lot of details, and I asked you covert questions every now and then to get to know your opinions and still be able to keep the secret. It's almost as helpful as recording what you say in your sleep! The zoo, it was decided, would be unnecessary—it's hard to keep the animals fed, and groomed, and secured, and healthy, and _alive_ in our somewhat original climate. Besides, you still can see various fauna if you just visit StrexCorp animal testing labs on the free admission days. But don't get carried away, and get out on time, or you can prolong your visit indefinitely!

So, no zoo. But we're keeping the oceanarium! And, to make the most out of the amount of water used—by the way, won't at least some of it come from what used to be the spring in the oasis?—it is decided to combine some of the tanks with the public swimming pool. Swimming is a skill you can hardly obtain in the middle of our lovely desert, but it's a great sport, one that trains your muscles in the most harmonious manner, and also great fun! And some, say, piranhas will keep you very, very motivated during your training. 

Water in the desert. We're going to make the most of our miracle—because, honestly, living here feels as miraculous as seeing the rock from which Moses drew water with a strike of his staff.

Do you feel it, too? Would you like to take a moment to reflect on that? Allow me to help you—and take you to the weather.

***

Welcome back, everyone, welcome back. There seem to be more questions, and I'm getting right to them!

No, as far as I know, we're not going to have whales in the oceanarium—unless you're ready to provide them with a couple square kilometers of water, filters, and two tons of plankton on a daily basis. 

Yes, it's a pity. Whales are lovely creatures, even after they drop into your desert neighbourhood out of nowhere. Do you know how big a whale's heart is? A human can live inside it! When I think about it, I feel like a whale myself. I would gladly provide my heart, however defective, for someone to live in. A very particular someone, mind you. Oh, it would be just nice.

Yes, we're going to have a whole variety of fishes. I've mentioned piranhas already, but if you prefer sharks or stingrays, you won't be disappointed, either!

Fishing, oh. I honestly don't know if it will be allowed. I suggest you consult the administration of the complex after it opens. Bring your murder license with you!

No, I haven't heard of our neighbours' plans to build a waterfront recreation area. Are you sure they're even going to? Because, honestly, I'm not a greedy person, but the idea was _ours._ And if you _are_ copying us, Night Vale, I suggest you begin with smiling more, not engineering. It's so much simpler!

Marlene is back, saying that the streets are so hot you can boil water for those _most cooling_ showers without even putting a kettle on! That's wonderful news, Desert Bluffs! I think you all should follow her idea. What a brilliant girl she is! 

I also think it's safe to assume that today's sun has charged the batteries of our electric fences exceptionally well. It's nice to feel safe—it's nice to know that you, dear listeners, are also safe within those fences. When nothing can go in or out, everything stays just the way it should.

Since I brought up the Bible, one more thing before I let you go. Remember: in Noah's ark, _Noah_ is the creator; the _ark_ is the monster.

Stay tuned next for sunburns, dizziness, and occasional tinnitus. Those are some conditions often accompanying a heat stroke.

And as always—until next time, Desert Bluffs.

Until next time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dearest listeners, if anyone of you gets the hint about three-three-one and tells me what I'm referencing, you'll make me so happy. I'll write a whole episode for your liking, really.


	3. Defective

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lately I've been useless and sad. Today's weather is a storm in my heart, and also maybe Auf dein Wohl by D'Artagnan.

Love is a thick tentacle wrapped around your throat, depriving you of oxygen and self respect. The only difference between it and being murdered is that the second holds a chance of it all ending soon.

Welcome to Desert Bluffs.

As I was saying: if you love something, let it go. If it comes back from behind you and knocks you unconscious, it was probably a boomerang. _(Kevin's joyful voice is tinted with hysterical notes.)_ Boomerangs are like that. You knew what you were doing. Revenge isn't applicable. _Put the gun down._

_(The booth door opens.)_

_(Lauren.)_ Knock knock! Sorry I'm la— _oh. (She's audibly pleased.)_ Is that a gun, or are you just glad to see me?

 _(Kevin, laughing.)_ Even if I put it in my mouth, you wouldn't believe it's a sandwich, would you? But you're right, I _am_ glad to see you.

 _(Lauren.)_ The better for you.

_(There's some background noise as Kevin gives up his seat to Lauren and perches himself on the edge of his desk. A couple of barely audible jokes are exchanged in the meantime. Kevin's voice is becoming much calmer and happier.)_

_(Lauren.)_ So! Hello there, Desert Bluffs; it's me, Lauren Mallard, Kevin's StrexCorp supervisor and friend. You've probably heard about me—and I've heard about most of you, too. I hear _a lot_ of things.

 _(Kevin.)_ There's no denying that! Tell us, do you need the mic for, say, a brief announcement, or are you my guest star for the whole episode?

 _(Lauren.)_ Let's just say I'm not going anywhere. Please, keep going as planned. Don't worry about me; I'll find a moment to slip in. What were you on?

 _(Kevin.)_ Love.

 _(Lauren.)_ Oh? I thought everyone knows love is a thick tentacle wrapped around your throat, depriving you of oxygen and self respect. Is there more to tell?

 _(Kevin.)_ I was trying to understand just that.

 _(Lauren.)_ Besides, it doesn't seem like a very profitable thing to do. Why love at all, then?

 _(Kevin.)_ People have weird hobbies sometimes! Mine's collecting teeth—see those pictures? I'm still thinking of how to arrange them properly, but even like that, they're a great inspiration!

 _(Lauren.)_ Pictures are good, but you've honestly made me think you keep your collection in your own mouth, rather than just on photographs. Because I only have one row of teeth and...

 _(Kevin, trying not to laugh too much.)_ Which reminds me! Dear listeners, I’ve probably never mentioned it before, but if you have any extra teeth, just contact me. I'd be _happy_ to relieve you of that burden.

 _(Lauren, brightly.)_ It actually works for so many organs!

 _(Kevin, a little more quietly than her.)_ Uh-huh. Consider donating your heart if it bothers you. There are some who'd be glad to have it, or maybe we can swap? Please?

 _(Lauren.)_ Donate, cut out, whatever! Chip away everything that is not perfect. Also look after the rest! 

_(Kevin howls with laughter.)_ Oh, yes! A healthy mind in a healthy body! 

_(Lauren.)_ A _perfect_ mind in a _perfect_ body. I don't care about bodies that much, though. Sometimes you just don't like that bag of bones. Or you have too few properly working organs, like Ke—ahem. Or too many earworms. There's no need to get rid of your whole body, though! There are plenty of friendly demons looking for some place to inhabit. Be friendly, too—open up! And believe me, it's fine with StrexCorp. We don't care by how many degrees you can turn your head, as long as you can get the work done. And we're not afraid of demons, so you know who to ask for help if they don't pay the rent on time! Yes, Kevin?

 _(Kevin.)_ I think that today, I'll be the one who'll have to find a moment to slip in. Still, I have some information to share. Do you mind terribly? Thanks. So, listeners, how about we list all that was said as health tips—

 _(Lauren.)_ —or business advice—

 _(Kevin.)_ You're right as always. Now, I have a couple of announcements. First, those pigeons are _not_ pigeons. Second, our scientists need volunteers on the catacomb exploration. Yes, again; try not to read too much into it. The conditions are the same as always, with a bonus: private interviews with the survivors suggest that digging up those totally friendly remains of an unknown civilisation is just the way to learn an entirely new language and, in fact, start an entirely new life! So if you don't mind forgetting everything about the one you lead now, there are still plenty of those ash urns and all sorts of things.

As for the traffic—Lauren, did you drive here or come on foot? How were the streets?

 _(Lauren.)_ How were—um, normal? There are not many cars, or bikes, or even pedestrians out there. Everyone is working, I guess, so all is quiet.

 _(Kevin.)_ Exactly. That's the word. The streets are _quiet._ I hope you hear me well, listeners! The air is thick; the streets are lazy, lying there and warming their bellies in the sun. Drive slowly; change your speed carefully. They might purr for you! 

Watch the points of the compass, though, in case those cuties wriggle too much. On such days, even the grumpiest driveways soften their attitude—which means your route can end up being a very misleading one!

And when you're finally at your destination, don't forget about the treats. They deserve it. Who's a good boy?

This has been traffic.

 _(Lauren.)_ How long is it going to go on?

 _(Kevin.)_ My notes for today?

 _(Lauren.)_ Your traffic report, silly. Is it going to be valid for an hour or so? _(Her voice drops to a whisper.)_ I really need an excuse not to visit my grandma today. She only makes sense during really hard meteor showers.

 _(Kevin, parroting her whisper.)_ My prognoses are usually reliable for at least three hours. You want to get lost? I recommend the western part of town, if you ask me.

 _(Lauren.)_ If I ask—well, I might. Remind me to, will you?

 _(Kevin snorts.)_ Deal. You may return the favour by reminding _me_ what the next section is.

 _(Lauren.)_ I can only think of one?

 _(Kevin.)_ Exactly. Same here, in fact. So, dear listeners, it's high time for me to take you—to take us all—to the weather!

***

 _(Lauren.)_ I'm glad to be of help, but my actual choice would be a little more selfish.

 _(Kevin.)_ You're welcome to indulge yourself now. The mic is yours, and I can just sit around and chill for a _very_ valid reason.

 _(Lauren.)_ Wait. So when I deman— _offered_ to tell a thing or two to you and your listeners, did I actually sign up to do your work instead of you? Oh, Smiling God. One day I'll learn.

 _(Kevin, warmly.)_ You have my full confidence in that.

 _(Lauren.)_ Aww. Well, dear listeners, no matter how much I enjoy distracting your radio host, I'm also here for a reason! My colleagues back at the research center have been receiving questions about StrexPets, and while half of those questions come from the lack of much needed attention to the instruction manual, there are some that deserve answering. I'm always excited when curiosity is satisfied—that's so often against our rules!

First thing you _all_ need to remember: StrexPet is a biomechanical being. If you bathe it, that's fine with me, but don't wail when you get electrocuted! And keep its eyes clean. Those are cameras and sun batteries; it's useless without them! Why do you think there are so many?

Second: yes, StrexPet bites. Kevin here keeps saying it's a sign of affection. Well, yes, in a manner of speaking. Every bite is a free blood check and a number of, uh, other medical things. I mean, would you be up to checking someone's blood ten times a day if you didn't really like them?

That's called loyalty.

Bites do _not_ cause allergies. I thought it was obvious! Can't you tell an allergy from mild intoxication? StrexPet provides you with minor doses of wide-ranging poisons; the dosage will grow along with your tolerance. The same happens with radiation. Yes, your StrexPet will glow in the dark sometimes, but that doesn't mean there's something wrong with it. If there is, believe me—you _will_ know.

Any questions?

 _(Kevin.)_ Yes. Is it legal for a pet to be so cute?

 _(Lauren.)_ No less legal than affecting your brainwaves to make you like your new biomechanical friend!

 _(Kevin.)_ That's a great way around "breaking the ice"! If that's not too much of a corporation secret, what is it like working with StrexPets all day?

_(A pause follows.)_

_(Kevin.)_ Don't tell me you don't know!

 _(Lauren.)_ I'm busy enough on the other end of the wire, alright?

 _(Kevin, chuckling.)_ You don't know what you're missing. Would you at least like to meet mine? No, wait. Wrong phrasing. Here: you are going to meet mine, whether you want to or not!

 _(Lauren, trying to keep her voice neutral.)_ Just don't throw me into the briar's patch.

 _(Kevin.)_ Well, thanks for a most enlightening conversation! Are you ready for your new pets, Desert Bluffs? Because they are ready for you! 

Stay tuned next for the weird screams from your neighbour's cellar—and hey, I meant it when I was talking about donations. Think about it. I, for one, could really use a different heart. Mine's misbehaving... Ugh.

 _(Lauren.)_ Until next time, Desert Bluffs!

 _(Kevin.)_ Until next time! Wait, Lauren, what do _you_ mean by ne—

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I expected to write this a little more differently but it makes more sense to me now that Kevin's feelings should be a subplot.  
> Note: he's not in love with Lauren. I'm not sure who it is yet; maybe a local version of Earl (that's my working hypothesis). And Lauren can and will be his buddy.


End file.
